Say goodnight Gracie...

Family

Merry Christmas

Meecie is home...

Thank you, thank you...my bird Meecie is now home with his mom. I cried and he squawked...I missed you my bird...so glad to have you home.

Thank you God for allowing him to have a safe journey home!

My pets...

This is for those of you who seem to think it is wrong for me to be having my pets shipped back to me...think about this...you are married and with someone for 17 yrs, after you think your life is pretty much set, you discover that your marriage and everything you trusted to be true was a lie. There were more women than can be counted in his life besides me. There were years of lies and deceptions. He had a whole life outside of our marriage full of secrets. During the separation he convinced me not to get an attorney...that he would do the right thing...well that totally backfired. My bird was a gift to me and there is no reason I shouldn't have him back. I raised him, hand fed him and loved him. I am sure in the two yrs I have been gone, my bird has not even been out of his cage. Is that a life??? As for my cat, well, I was perfectly willing to let him have her, even though again, I took care of her, helped her give birth to 5 kittens who I found homes for and stayed with her after she was fixed. Made sure she had everything she ever needed..he was out screwing around and gone for days at a time. When I saw the skank post pictures of my cat with a totally disgusting comment, I decided to take my cat back. If he can't be selective as to who he lets in his life, how can I be sure my pets will be taken care of. So to those of you who think my pets are better of with him...think again...with me they will be loved, well taken care of and there will not be different strangers coming in and out of their lives every month as he changes his flavors of the month.

Back to life...back to reality

After a fabulous weekend with friends and family, I returned home to a drunk husband, passed out in his chair. So much for coming home and enjoying what was left of the weekend. As I am clearing out the cobwebs in my head regarding my ex, I am also having to face the reality that my current marriage is a failure. I have fought the last fight with him and see myself making some more really tough choices in the new year. I have no idea how long it will take for me to get my plan together to move on. I am just residing to the fact that I will more than likely be single again, which is ok, but hard when you love someone who doesn't love themselves enough to try to be happy. The only thing that makes him happy is being drunk. I don't even know how to deal with that. Not to mention that me moving on is going to involve giving up my dream of the gallery. I am going to have to get a job where I actually get paid, find a house that will allow me, my 3 dogs, a cat and two birds to live. This is not going to be an easy task. I will have to buy something, and with my credit issues now, it will not happen very soon! And finding a job...who is going to hire a 50 yr old woman who's only work experience for the last 15 yrs is painting and working in galleries. Where will a find a job that wil pay enough to support me. I also have to buy a car, as I sold mine earlier this year to pay for my gallery. Can't think about all this right now, way too overwhelming. All I can say is I made some really stupid choices in the past two yrs, didn't think things through so I could get the hell away from my previous situation and went from one situation right into another. And I got so screwed over in the divorce, that I didn't even think about the future...just thought my new life would be great. Again was blind to the fact that in my new life I would have to deal with a disease so much bigger than I am. If I stay here, my life will consist of a sexless marriage, constant fights over alcohol abuse and watching someone I love and care about slowly killing him self. I don't know if I have that fight in me anymore. At this point in my life, I deserve so much more. I deserve to be loved and treated with respect by someone who loves and respects themself. I figure I have about 30 good years left...they need to be great years. I need to make a difference...what's the point of having a life where it is not impactful? I need to matter to someone. Even if it is only to myself.

1. A fabulous weekend with friends and family.
2. My grand daughter who is so awesome and my son, who is really becoming a man inspite of his mistakes.
3. My pets, who I don't know how I would manage each day without them.
4. My friends, who support me no matter what.
5. I am alive...I feel, experience and care deeply about what is in front of me.
6. Each day I am getting stronger and beginning to see my life is worth living.
7. I no longer feel like I want to die.
8. I have choices, now just making the right ones will be super important.
9. A new year with new opportunities await.
10. I am beginning to recognize myself again...

Let It Be!

I awoke with this song in my head this morning...speaking words of wisdom...Let it Be!

To the skank...really??? Who writes that? Wait long enough and the colors shine through!

Still processing all this crap in my head and letting go of a life that was painful to look back on. I cannot believe it has taken me so long to rummage through all this crap...just goes to show how if we close our eyes to the truth long enough, we become blind to what is standing right in front of us.

Here's to opening my eyes and facing the truth. It was never really worth it. I lived a life full of lies, not by my own doing but by someone elses. Please give me the wisdom to never close my eyes again. Help me to be strong, stand on my own and love what I see!

Reaching....

Really feeling down....Need 10 things I am really happy for right now...

1. I am alive.
2. I have my son and rand daughter in my life.
3. I've lost 60 lbs this year.
4. I have 3 great dogs and 2 birds and a cat.
5. Good friends
6. I am not sick anymore.
7. A beautiful Christmas tree that should put me in a better frame of mind when I get home.
8. I still have hopes that tomorrow will be better.
9. This time next year I will look back at all this and say what the hell was I thinking.
10. I am back in FL.

I used to so LOVE Christmas!!!

The games people play....

No longer have a need to block those on my FB page...not to be taken as an open door, just should be taken as I don't care anymore as to who see what I post! Not allowing those who think they can mess with me to do so any longer.

1. Thankful for my grand daughter on her 2nd birthday.
2. For the doors that close, others open.
3. My future grandson is ok and there aren't any more problems.
4. I have a fabulous husband.
5. On Tues. I will have my bird back and my cat will be following soon.
6. My son, who I am very proud of. Doing the right thing in spite of some adversities.
7. It is Thursday!
8. Not allowing others to get inside my head who do not have my best interests at heart.
9. I AM PAINTING!!!
10. Getting stronger each day!

And painting...

I'm painting....

A new week

Imhad an incredible day yesterday as my husband and I put up Christmas decorations and just hung out together. So nice to sit back and recharge for a full week ahead. Saturday I will be going to Miami to celebrate my grand daughter's second birthday. Cannot believe it has been two years already.

I wrote my email yesterday so I will not have the last thing I say to someone be nasty. My conscious is clear. I did everything I needed to to. I can now move forward in my life with hope and love as the anger has now dissipated and been replaced with good feelings. I look forward to building a future with the love of my life knowing that I will be spending it with someone who isn't manipulating and calculating. He just is. and he just loves me, no games no secrets no lies.mfornthat I am eternally grateful.

1. To have had such an awesome day yesterday. There is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
2. That I am able to to look forward to tomorrow without regret from yesterday.
3. that I still have many people in my life that I love and I wish them all happiness.
4. That I will be getting my LaMusa back, I have missed her.
5. That I will also have Meecie back.
6. That I have the ability to paint my feelings however rare those those times are right now, but soon I will be back in the studio working.
7. That my life is my own, no longer a pawn in anyone's gameplan.
8. That I can finally forgive myself for past mistakes and be able to learn from them and continue to move forward.
9. That I can forgive others, so that I can continue to move forward.
10. That this is going to be a great day, because it is my day and I get to choose how it ends.

I can see clearly now

The course of the last couple days has been an emotional roller coaster. Several emails back and forth and I finally can see what an arrogant pompous individual I was married to for so long actually is. I mustered up the courage to tell him to f#*k off. I have really had it with the head games and emotional abuse he has been playing with me for so many years. Have finally been able to see how everyone in his life are just pawns and he manipulates and moves at will. I refuse to be part of that any longer. He can keep all his paid for friends, because the true friends are beginning to see right through him as well. The man with all the secrets...the man who insists his private life is private...kept from all of those around him who should be in the know...well it is not so private when the skank is posting everything in public for all to see.

Not focusing on that anymore...I'm done! Finally! I will not allow him to be a part of my life any longer. In any capacity. Friendship is completely out ofthe question, as he has no concept of friendship...it is all a game...finally coming to terms with the fact that my 16 yr life with him was all a series of well calculated half truths and manipulations! Thank you God for allowing me to see this. It is a shame it took me so long to figure this out. I always want to believe in the good of people, but sometimes there just isn't any. I have a weak spot to believe that people are not cruel, when in fact they are. They make it a living and constant practice to deceive others and play with their feelings and emotions. I need to write one more email to him as the last thing I want him to hear from or that I need to remember saying is not something awful. That will be for me...not him...

1. Thank you for letting me see the truth...finally!
2. I am now able to move forward with a clear heart and mind that I was so right in leaving him and moving on.
3. I am almost at peace and can focus on my new life with the love of my life without the baggage of past crap that was bogging me down.
4. That the rage in my mind and my heart are being replaced with absolute and complete love for what is around me today.
5. That at my age I am still able to work through some difficult emotional stuff.
6. That I can see that I have great people around me and I get to pick and choose who stays and who goes.
7. I am no longer a prisoner to those who do not mean me well.
8. That all the noise in my head is silencing and I can listen to my heart.
9. That I can now look at the love of my life and feel guilty for thinking I destroyed another life, since it was he who destroyed mine.
10. That my eyes fill with tears of joy for all that is around me.

God...how do I make this hurt go away!!!

Victimization!!!

Wants to know why when someone does something awful to you that hurts terribly, they react as if they have been victimized when you speak up????

How low do you go!

So now the skank is posting pictures of my cat licking herself and she comments how she wishes she were a cat. Jesus Julio, how low can you go! Now I want my cat back as well. I trusted that you would do right but that is something you are obviously incapable of doing. You just keep sinking...I refuse to let your latest flavor of the month bond or have any relations with any of my animals that I love so dearly. If you were actually seeing someone who was descent, this would not be an issue...and if you would have been honest and let know before finding out on FB, I might have overlooked it. But no, not you...the man with all the secrets...you are such a hypocrite...I pray that one day, you will be the man that you try to pretend to be. One who really values the friendships in your life, one who doesn't have to buy your friends with money and food and drinks. What happened to you? I know you want to be that person, but you do not allow yourself to be. Instead you lie and cheat on those who really cared and chose superficial people to surround yourself with. As a result, you will always have to watch your back...they will be standing in line to take advantage of you. You had a true friend here in me and you blew it with all your lies and deceptions. Were you so ashamed of yourself that you couldn't tell me? Anyway, it is all done. Be happy with your skank...

My ten things I am grateful for today...

1. That my cold is getting better.

2. That even though it is cold as all, it is a beautiful day.

3. That I am not as angry as I was last week and am almost to the point where my anger has turned to pity and looking forward to being able to let it go and forgive.

4. Each day putting my painful past further and further behind me.

5. That my husband may not be perfect, but he truly loves me and would never cheat on me.

6. That I am able to pay my bills this week!

7. That it is almost Christmas...my absolute favorite time of the year!

8. That I know I will deal with tomorrow with a better understanding of and about today or yesterday!

9. That in my heart, I know I am a good person, who sometimes makes mistakes but am able to forgive myself and move on.

10. That I have great friends who understand that sometimes I freak out and accept me anyway.

Still trying to get my bird back

You know, each day that goes by, I am getting stronger and stronger. Finally realizing the extent of the control and mind games this idiot had over me. I am trying very hard not to be angry, as anger is a negative energy that I do not need in my life. So because I am doing what I need to do, I guess he is feeling out of control and trying to control me in different ways, because after 18 years, he know which buttons to push. Not going to work this time...I am stronger and wiser. Don't have time for this anymore. Taking my control back and never allowing anyone to ever have that power over me again. Nothing left to use against me for leverage except my bird. So I guess I need to get an attorney after all. Perhaps this time I can get what is mine...when I explain the level of manipulation that was used to discourage me from getting my own attorney back then and the fact that I wanted to get away from him and puerto Rico so badly, that I agreed to anything just to get the hell out of there.

1. That I have a husband now who does love me and doesn't try to control me.

2. That I have a beautiful grand daughter who is the light of my life along with my son.

3. That I have great friends who stand by me and are finally seeing the true character of the person they held in such high regard. Wait long enough and the true character will emerge.

4. That he has someone else in his life he can manipulate now and take the focus off of me. They actually deserve each other...two people who can't keep their pants up.

5. That I am actually beginning to get over my cold.

6. I got a great nights sleep. Boy did I need it.

7. It is Wednesday and it is going to be a great day!

8. Christmas is almost here...I love Christmas! It is my favorite holiday.

9. That my son is waking up to see he has some issues and is working on them.

10. That in spite of some financial issues, my world is good.

A new outlook

Each day is getting easier...something to be said for focusing on the positives in my life instead of dwelling on past mistakes and heartaches. It is done...I was lucky to get away and have the strength to move on. Sometimes we have to take baby steps to move away from something and then take the big challenge of standing up by yourself and running. Now I'm running...away from those who kept me down, away from those who only fed their own ego by stomping all over mine. Misery loves misery and when you are so emerged int it, it takes awhile to see there is a light at the end ofthe tunnel. The light is there and I am so close!

1. It is Sunday...I have a day off and not sure how it is going to be spent yet, but know that whatever I choose to do, it will be MY choice.

2. That the hurt in my heart is being replaced by feeling of love for myself and optimism.

3. That I have my pumpkin spice creamer this morning...yay

4. I get to listen to the sound of the waterfall in my back yard in utter silence while listening to the birds chirping around me.

5. That I went to bed early and got a good nights sleep.

6. For realizing that people come and go in your life for specific reasons and it is all good. Serves to sent then the soul if you are wise enough to be able to understand it.

7. That each day that goes by, I am stronger and a better me.

8. Clarity that I have a purpose and am making forward progress to fulfill that purpose.

9. For realizing that cutting someone loose is sometimes a necessary thing to do.

10. That hootie has not been around for a month to eat my fish! Lol

Wasted Time

No longer have the desire to allow certain people to occupy space in my head or my heart. The ho with all her whatevers she keeps posting on her page to taunt me is no longer working. I am over this. You get what you deserve in life and there is a reason she doesn't get anywhere...and there is a reason he keeps getting crap as well. You can only fly by on charm and fakeness for so long. I am moving on and good riddance to the hurt and emotional crap I had been feeling. Each day is getting better and easier to just let go.

10 things I am grateful for today:

1. That I have an awesome grand daughter who brings me such joy every time I see her or hear her voice.

2. I have an incredible gallery that has afforded me opportunities to continue meeting awesome people.

3. I have three great dogs, 2 birds and 30 fish that bring me lots of joy.

4. My husband who has not gotten drunk in over a week...THANK YOU!!!

5. Old friends who have stayed in my life and those who have come back.

6. It is a beautiful day today.

7. That there is only 5 more hrs till I get to go home and get some sleep...lol

8. That I am finally moving on!

9. That I have tomorrow off...

10. I am at peace today!!!

And finally

Well after a full week of total silence...I finally get a very short message regarding my bird. So he has been reading my messages...you know, all this could have been avoided if a week ago I would have gotten a message saying...I'm sorry! But not a word...why is it when someone has hurt someone, their response is silence...anyone who was a real friend would have assessed this situation right up front and not ignore it or me and my feelings. Back to the point, I never meant enough for even an explanation or an apology. But not focusing on that anymore. My main objective now is to get back my bird and move on. Enough of all this nonsense of dealing with emotionally inept people. More confirmation that this is a person who truly never had my best interests at heart...only his own selfish needs. And the arrogance of thinking he is above explaining or apologizing to anyone is beyond my realm of comprehension.

My 10 for today:

1. Thankful that I am 1 step closer to getting my bird back.

2. Thankful that I am another step closer to healing and closure.

3. Grateful that I have a business that requires my full attention each day to keep my mind busy and occupied.

4. Grateful that I had some help yesterday hanging the show in the gallery.

5. Thankful that one of the last voices I heard last night was that of my granddaughter saying I love you Gigi.

6. Thankful that I have a clear head this morning to organize my day.

7. Thankful that I blocked some people from my FB page and my life to avoide unnecessary stress and pain.

8. Thankful my husband hasn't been drunk in a week.

9. Thankful that my new coming grandchild is still safe, even after a close call yesterday.

10.thankful for some inner peace this morning.

Sound of silence

So the ex thinks that by not communicating with me I will just go away....sorry, you of all people should know better than that...you arrogant idiot! You really think you don't owe me an explanation or even so much as an I'm sorry? Whatever...just glad you are no longer a part of my life.

This is really my fault because I let him back into my life. Do it once shame on you, two, three and more, it is shame on me. I should have known better than to ever let a liar and deceiver back into my life. Nothing will ever change. Once a liar, always a liar. Again I am left to have to look at myself and see where I am defunct to continue or feel the need to have these emotionally abusive people in my life.

I am working so hard at trying not to be angry and as you can obviously see from my posts here, it is not working...one would think that after 18 yrs of knowing someone, I would be worth at least an I am sorry from them. But no, not from him...he thinks is above any responsibility of having to answer to anyone. He does what he wants without any explanation or feelings what so ever, regardless of who he hurts along the way. Funny thing, all this anger from me could have been avoided if he would have had the balls to tell me himself. Too much of a coward...and the one thing I despise more than anything in this world, is being lied to.

And a message to the ho...don't get too comfortable playing housewife in my house...you are only the most recent flavor of the month...and your taunting me with your stupid, classless messages on FB, well enjoy...only shows what a skank you really are. Enjoy your time thee knowing that everything in that house was mine and I chose it, I designed it and I picked it out. Enjoy living in my surrounding and taking in all my things...my spirit will always be there everytime you look and touch something, know that it was mine. And know that everytime you are in my bed, that I was in that same one first...think you are living the high life...think again...and the deck furniture you so enjoy my view from, and pose with your roses on, know that I picked it out. Know that everytime you call my cat lamusa, that she is MY cat...I was the one that saved her, brought her kittens into this world and she was MY muse for many of my paintings that still remain in the house. She will never be your cat. Just know, you may be able to disguise a skank by putting her in different surrounding, but you will always be a skank...displayed by your your classless flaunting of posing yourself with my belongings and posting them all over FB. You may think ou are funny with your little messages, got news for you...karma will come back to you, threefold! So enjoy yourself...

My ten things I am grateful for today:

1. Knowing my ghost and spirit remains in a place where everytime someone looks at something it will serve as a reminder that to her that I was there first.

2. I am grateful that I do not have to continue living a lie with a man who is so dysfunctional and emotionally abusive and only thinks of himself and pleasuring himself, regardless of who he hurts.

3. Glad that I am cleansing myself from all his scars and emotional baggage he imprinted on me for so long.

4. Grateful that I no longer have to wonder where my husband is at night or who he is with. And that I no longer have to hear the lies and be made to feel I was the one who was imagining things, or being told I was crazy after finding love letters from a 25 yr old.

5. Thankful I no longer have to endure the slow manipulation of not being allowed to be myself.

6. Grateful that I can now raise my voice when I am angry without having someone put me down and forcing me to suppress my anger to the point where I shoved food in my mouth to stifle all the hurt I was feeling. T the point where I gained 85 lbs. that was 85 lbs of bullshit I had to swallow.

7. Thankful I am freeing myself of the ties that keep me attached to such an unhappy life.

8. Grateful that I can call you a fucking bastard without being slapped.

9. Thankful I don't have endure the flirting you did with all the women around you any longer and being told all my gut instincts were wrong. Since being away from you, I have learned to trust my gut again, and have been right on every occasion.

10. Thankful that I now see you for who you really are. You can dress up a wolf in sheeps clothing, give him money, but at the end of the day, a wolf is still a wolf.

Decorating the tree

How special...the ho is in my house...which it still is...as I own 25% of it and it will never be hers...decorating a Christmas tree taking more slutty pictures. Such class! Such class for both of them. They actually deserve each other, one ho and one ho dog!

Still trying to get past this...process, process, process...

Oh and the comment about the devil on her FB page...got news for you, he is so good at playing the role of the victim...poor me, poor me...he never does anything wrong, everyone is always out to hurt him...ask him how many people he has hurt along the way before passing judgement on me. Wait to you get to hear all the lies and deceptions!

Giving myself what I need

Sometimes in life, it becomes utterly apparent that the word you need to hear from someone in order to move on will never be said. So in lew of having him apologize to me, which will never happen since you have to feel guilt in order to apologize...I will say it myself...

Glenda, I am very sorry for hurting you and for lying to about my affairs. I apologize for allowing you to feel guilty for all that went wrong in our marriage. I apologize deeply that I allowed someone in my life who was capable of posting pic on FB when they knew you could see it and you had to be blindsided not knowing we were together. I apologize for lying to you when you came right out and asked me. In fact, I am sorry for ALL the lies and deceptions you have had to deal with in the 18 years we were together we have known each other. I apologize for being narcissistic and turning all your concerns back on you when you were trying to save our marriage. I hated that I constantly made everything about me and not enough about you. I sincerely apologize for trying to tell you that you were crazy and need to see someone because you thought I was cheating on you, when I was. I apologize to you for asking if you were having a midlife crisis and if you needed a therapist when you told me it was over. I deeply regret having told you that you could never do any better, as I took complete care of you so you didn't have to worry about anything...I gave you money instead of love, so you would be distracted while I had my affairs. I slowly made you completely dependent on me so that you could never leave and I could have the best of both worlds, have you at home and have my affairs on the side. I am sorry I stayed in your life to lie to you more and try to maintain the control I had over you. I wish you happiness and love.

Thank you...I can know take more steps forward!

Day 2

So on the road to recovery...yesterday I put together a package of things that were given to me as gifts that represented my old life and marriage, took them to a jeweler and sold them for $900. The ultimate regift...I am now able to pay some of my rent and pay some past due bills. My diamond, of course, wasn't as valuable as I thought and I am trying to find the paperwork for it. So instead of selling it, I kept it. I may just have a new ring made out of that I would be able to wear without having it remind me of a life that I once had. I am trying hard not to wish this man bad things for all the hurt he has caused me, but sometimes it just gets the best of me. He hasn't even so mush as sent an apology to me for not having the guts to tell me he has this woman in our home. I say our home, as I still own 25% of it. I painted the walls, I decorated, I designed the changes to it...I still have belongings there. And this bitch has the nerve to post sleazy pics with my things in the background and posts them all over FB so I can see them...and he allowed her to do that knowing full well I would see them. Then, not even having the decency to give me a heads up...no, I get blindsided...that is just wrong...and now, not even an apology! Boy I really know how to pick the winners in my life. Ok, not going there...I am supposed to be on the road to recovery here...focusing on the good things in my life...not allowing the painful past to continue haunting me.

So with that: my 10 blessing today

1. I am grateful and blessed to have Heather in my life. She is wise about business and helped me yesterday to put up a kick ass window display.

2. I am grateful that I now have $900 I didn't have yesterday.

3. I am blessed to be able to open my FB page and see my grand daughter's smiling face and hope I can have a positive influence on her life.

4. I am grateful I have dental insurance as I go for a cleaning this morning.

5. I am thankful for my pond with my fish in the back that get to hear the soothing sounds of water trickling from the waterfall. Water always relaxes me.

6. I am thankful for all those who showed up to drawing class last night.

7. I am thankful for my robe that is keeping me warm as I write this outside and am staying warm.

8 thankful that my husband wasn't drunk last night and actually came to bed.

9. Thankful for my friend Lara who will be in the gallery this morning while I take care of some things.

10. And that I have sound mind and am being able to see the good things today!

Step 1 of healing

Ten things I am grateful for:

1. Having my husband in my life...even though he has his problems and baggage...at least he is honest and I don't have to wonder where or who he's with at night...

2. A roof over my head

3. Great friends who have hung in there with me through the good times and the bad. Have lost some along the way, proving they weren't really friends to start with.

4. My son...I am so proud of who he is becoming...granted he doesn't always make the right choices...but he is a good person.

5. My grand daughter...I just love her to pieces...

6. That I finally have the courage to move away from people who do not have my best intentions at heart.

7. I have my gallery...it is a struggle right now, but believe in my dream that it will all be ok.

8. My dreams...that through this all, I still have a positive outlook and believe I can make things happen.

9. That even though I have had a lot of heartbreaks, I still have an open heart and have not become bitter to the point of paralysis.

10. That I can still wake up every morning and believe it will all be ok.

My first step to freeing myself will be to get rid of all the things from my previous marriage that meant something to me. My wedding ring, jewelry he gave me...time to shed them...maybe melt them all down and have something else made, or just sell them...the proceeds will go to help my gallery...I had thought of saving my diamonds for my grand daughter, but why would she want them when they were given to be by someone she will never know or who is not related to her. There will be more heirlooms down the road. Two years is long enough to hold on to a past filled with continuous hurt and heartache.

A journey to recovery

http://www.sedonapsychicreading.com/article_faceofabuse.php

Ding...the light bulb has just gone off...18 yrs of trying to figure out what was wrong with me...turns out it wasn't me at all...well not completely...I guess it stems from an abusive childhood, where I found myself getting into relationships with the wrong people because I felt I didn't deserve better...allowed myself to be controlled and held at fault for everything that went wrong. I am two years out of a 16 yr. marriage and I finally am beginning to understand how controlled I was. Made to believe everything was my fault...made to believe I couldn't do anything without his help...or support...now on the road to recovery and in a new marriage, I struggle daily with feelings of being inadequate, not good enough, but the longer I am away, the more I realize how strong I truly am. I am in control of my own destiny...only I can stop myself!

Holiday Blues

UGH!!! As much as I have tried to fight it, full depression has set in. So much is completely out of my hands and out of my control. Trying to stay focused on things at hand and the things I can control. One day at a time...tomorrow will suck...I am spending Thanksgiving alone. My choice...can't bring myself to pretend all is ok in my life when everything around me is falling apart.

I pray for those around me who are having a rough time. I pray for my older sister who had a heart attack and I just found out...weeks ago...I pray for my younger sister who is bent on killing herself with her alcohol and drug use...I pray for my husband who is in complete denial that he is an alcoholic...I pray for my son, who is about to be a father again...I pray I can make enough money this month to pay my bills and I pray that God will give me the strength to face the next few weeks. They will be challenging.

I am thankful for the people I have in my life..my family, my friends...I am thankful I have a roof over my head, I am thankful for my health...I am thankful for my pets, who bring me joy even in my most difficult times...

Happy Thanksgiving!

A Plein Air Painter's Blog: Memories of Ann Templeton

A Plein Air Painter's Blog: Memories of Ann Templeton

You know it is a real shame when someone else does something really outrageous...you try to help and do something fornthe right reasons, maybe the wrong way, but out of love and then you become the bad guy...

Trying to make a difference

So ok, the gallery has been open for 2 months now. Sales are not happening, so I need to be really creative about bringing in some revenue. Workshops and classes have been setup and our first workshop, Drawing like the Masters, Fundamentals of Drawing was a hit. We had 3 students who seemed to really enjoy the class. We will be beginning another workshop series in Sept with Adult figure painting and drawing and Beginning painting. I look forward to teaching this and getting back into the groove of things.

The next thing we have started is a 1st Friday Art Stroll. This will beginning on Aug 5 from 4-9pm. We currently have about 17 artists, artisans and other vendors who will be setting up. Keeping my fingers crossed that all the hard work going into this will pay off.

Update

Woohoo...Box #1 has arrived containing 5 paintings. All in perfect condition!

Not getting my hopes up, BUT...

Apparently I have 2 boxes of paintings that are heading my way after months of waiting. One box should arrive today, the other tomorrow. Am anxious to see what will or will not arrive.

OK, so over the course of the last couple weeks, I have been receiving calls from a number in PR. I answer and the person hangs up. So yesterday, I return the call. The first attempt was an immediate hangup. The second time was a woman speaking spanish to someone else nearby before she rudely hung up without even responding to the call. If this is going to continue, guess I will have to take some course of action. Have a feeling it is the child ho my ex is dating, (or as he says, just companions). WHATEVER!!! She needs to stop calling me.

Progress in the gallery is good these days. Garbage and carpet remnants have been removed and the electrical work has begun for rerouting lines for track lighting and such. Have to meet with the lighting person Friday along with the contractor and the electrical people to coordinate what's next.

False Alarm

OK, so apparently my paintings have NOT yet been shipped. They are still being held hostage. Beginning to believe my ex is enjoying getting my weekly emails asking about paintings. As once they are shipped and I receive them, there will be no reason for me to ever contact him again. Not sure why he just cannot send me my work. Perhaps it is because he is just too busy with his little girlfriend no one is suppose to know about. SO just send them and you can go back to doing whatever you do with someone that age.

The gallery is still in limbo. The new contractor has not yet begun work. Hoping that tomorrow when I go in some of the work will be done that he said he would do over the weekend. He did assure me that everything could be done in a couple of weeks. That would mean we could definitely have our opening on May 14. Not official yet, but that is what we are aiming for.

I have hit the 30 lb. point in my weight loss. Only 50 more to go. God, how did I ever get so out of control. I figure I just kept shoving food in my mouth to keep my mouth shut. As I never could say what I was feeling in my previous marriage without having repercussions. There was always that long dreaded arrogant silence with an attitude that so said, How dare you say anything or complain...I give you everything...yes, everything but what I really needed...emotional commitment.

Went to an art exhibition last night. Had a great time in Lakeland. Then we all went to Starbuck's afterwards. I laugh as there was a time when after an opening I would have gone for cocktails, and almost did last night. But Starbucks was a good and safe alternative and it was great spending time talking about art and just stuff with friends. I saved the cocktail until I got home and shared it with my husband. Is this what life is like at 50??? I like it!!!

Things are starting to happen...

Busy, Busy, Busy...

Due to some issues with manpower, we will have to postpone {tay'-cho}'s opening until May. We are looking at the 2nd -3rd weekend. We will have some exciting work and artists for our opening. As the time gets closer, I will feature each artist on this blog.

FINALLY...it appears that my work from PR will actually be sent to me. I just hope that when they arrive, they are intact and not damaged. I don't care about the frames as I can replace those, I am just concerned for my actual work. I do believe that once I receive these, I should no longer have to have any connection with my ex. We have no children together so we can both just be free to move on. Me with my new marriage and gallery and him with his child girlfriend. It still makes me sick to my stomach that I was so right about my so called marriage. I wonder how he feels to be out in public with her and have her mistaken for his daughter. I am still trying to figure out how I could have stayed with someone for so long who was so twisted. Anyway, this is done and over and I am fortunate that I no longer have such a person in my life.

I also will be getting my bird back. YAY!!! I have missed him terribly. He is an 11 yr old mini macaw named Meecie. I bought him a huge cage and I will have to drive down to Miami in Apr. to pick him up. This also means I will have to see the ex, as he is bringing him over. Not looking forward to that. But it is a means to an end. The only other thing pending is resolving my partnership in my gallery in PR. and then I can truly be free of my past life there. No more ties!

Our New Gallery

Progress is being made on the gallery and we have finally set an opening date. Apr 9, 2011 from 7-10 pm. There will be food, wine and great music. The side street will be closed for the party. Still working on getting the artwork here. Another promise of my work being shipped has been made. Will see if that comes to fruition. I have been busy filling out paperwork for licenses and permits, overseeing work in the gallery, searching for hanging systems and lighting and trying to complete several pieces of work I have in various stages of completion. This month is definitely going to be interesting and exciting.

Trying to get my work...

Along with leaving my old unhappy life in Puerto Rico, I left all my life's work. Thinking they would be in good hands and once I got set up here I would be able to get them back. NOT TRUE!!! My poor paintings are being held captive and I am unable to get them back. All I seem to get is a bunch of empty promises that they will be sent next week...well next week is 5 months already. My fault for ever believing that the promises of a man who I mistakenly thought would actually respect me and my work enough to send them to me. My fault for believing that 16 years with someone actually mattered. My fault for closing my eyes to see that once he was secure enough to know I wouldn't take his pension and retirement, that he could then call off all agreements and prior arrangements. Now my work is probably sitting outside somewhere collection dust, mold and lizard poop. Guess it is kind of fitting as that was what our marriage was like for the last 6 years of it. Dusty, moldy and full of shit!

Then again...what else should I expect from a man who when I caught him fucking a 25 yr old and I confronted him, told me I was crazy and imagining things, or when I told him I wanted to leave him and move on to try to find happiness, asked me if I needed to see a therapist, or when I have proof he is currently screwing a 30 yr old, someone younger than his youngest daughter, who also btw, happens to look like his youngest daughter, he continues to deny it.

Still pushing forward

Last count, 15 lbs and 15 inches gone. Have cancelled my PR trip and am rescheduling for another time. Can't stand to think about having to see or interact with anyone there. The thought of having to go just turns my stomach. So many bad memories and bad relationships. Thank God I have a very dear friend coming with me as my ally. I need all the help I can get to make it through this trip.

Continuing my forward momentum. The gallery is still slow int he making. Waiting on some finalization of some paperwork and then we can get in there and start the prep work to get it ready.

I have lots of painting projects planned and looking forward to getting started on them. Prepared 5 wood panels for encaustics yesterday so I can begin immediately. Discovered a process allowing me to do photo transfers with inkjet prints, so I will be incorporating mixed media into the encaustics.

Have discovered that those who yell the loudest about their need for privacy, have the most to hide.

Sticking to the plan

So far I have managed to lose 10bs. I have started exercising as well. Mostly strength and weight training. I am feeling much more energetic than I had been and am getting a lot accomplished.

A much dreaded trip to Puerto Rico is coming up. I wanted to be there for the first anniversary exhibition of MajiLina, but of course after I already made my travel plans, the date was changed. Wasn't meant to be there apparently. I will, however, have time to make a crate and pack up all my paintings and have them shipped back to FL. I keep having this dreaded feeling that somehow I am going to get over there and not be able to make it back home.

On the home front, I have build a large canvas panel to begin new work on. It will be 3ft x 5 ft. Spent the day gessoing to get it ready.I can't wait to start it. I also have another one in the works that is 3 ft. x 4 ft. It feels good to be back on track!!!

{tay'-cho}

Exciting news yesterday. We have been approved for a space in our downtown area that will be the home of my new gallery, {tay'-cho}. Now the work really begins. Must secure some financing to help with startup costs. It would really help if my ex would pay me the equity I own in my old house, but that isn't going to happen.

All week I have been busy writing, revising and checking my business plan. I am so glad I am not in the acct. business anymore. All those numbers just drive me crazy.

Our new gallery will be called {tay'-cho}. It is the phonetic spelling of the spanish word techo, meaning ceiling or roof. We chose that name as it encompasses all that will be under our roof. We have our work cut out for us, but I am always ready for a challange

Transformations

As my life is transforming, so is my art. I am finding myself completely bored with my old work and looking for ways to push it to a level that it has never been. During this past year, it has been very difficult focusing on anything other than just trying to take care of myself, which was probably a huge mistake as my art has always helped me escape my life and go to a place where I am happy. I am feeling the need to work more abstractly as well. focusing on composition, color and rhythm within my work. I don't want to be tied to a subject matter, as I feel that will come later. I have started a series of Mantras that I am feeling compelled to continue with.

A year of many changes

This is a transition year for me. I will turn 50 in 7 months which is a major milestone. I have just come out of a 16 yr marriage where I was lied to, cheated on and manipulated in every way possible. I am not writing this for a pity party, I am writing this as a documentation of my journey to recovery and happiness during this phase of my life. I feel the need to be brutally honest with myself here and anyone who reads this. I could write all this in my own personal journal, but I am hoping that perhaps there are others out here who may be able to identify and relate to my situation.

As proof of my out of control life, my weight has skyrocketed to my all time high. I have taken steps to recapture that control and have realized that I can not tackle my weight issues alone. I have sought help with this part, as I have come to learn in my 49 yrs of life, there is nothing wrong in asking for help.

I believe and strongly feel that I am on the cusp of something great and extraordinary. I just feel it in my bones. I am not sure what is about to happen, but I truly believe I am embarking on something spectacular. This path I am currently on will lead me there.

I have spent the last few months obsessing about my failed marriage and what things I could have done differently. I have finally realized that these were things out of my control since I was manipulated and lied to throughout my marriage. I didn't live the lie, he did, I only lived the consequences. Over the course of the last few months, I have checked phone records, bank accounts and credit reports searching for answers that I was wrong about my marriage. Every shred of information I found, only served to reaffirm my suspicions of betrayal and deception. This was extremely sad, however it is serving to help me realize that I am no longer powerless in my journey and that I can now put that relationship behind me and rid myself of all the toxic relationships in my life that were a part of that history. Today marks the beginning of my new journey.