Family

Merry Christmas

Meecie is home...

Thank you, thank you...my bird Meecie is now home with his mom. I cried and he squawked...I missed you my bird...so glad to have you home.

Thank you God for allowing him to have a safe journey home!

My pets...

This is for those of you who seem to think it is wrong for me to be having my pets shipped back to me...think about this...you are married and with someone for 17 yrs, after you think your life is pretty much set, you discover that your marriage and everything you trusted to be true was a lie. There were more women than can be counted in his life besides me. There were years of lies and deceptions. He had a whole life outside of our marriage full of secrets. During the separation he convinced me not to get an attorney...that he would do the right thing...well that totally backfired. My bird was a gift to me and there is no reason I shouldn't have him back. I raised him, hand fed him and loved him. I am sure in the two yrs I have been gone, my bird has not even been out of his cage. Is that a life??? As for my cat, well, I was perfectly willing to let him have her, even though again, I took care of her, helped her give birth to 5 kittens who I found homes for and stayed with her after she was fixed. Made sure she had everything she ever needed..he was out screwing around and gone for days at a time. When I saw the skank post pictures of my cat with a totally disgusting comment, I decided to take my cat back. If he can't be selective as to who he lets in his life, how can I be sure my pets will be taken care of. So to those of you who think my pets are better of with him...think again...with me they will be loved, well taken care of and there will not be different strangers coming in and out of their lives every month as he changes his flavors of the month.

Back to life...back to reality

After a fabulous weekend with friends and family, I returned home to a drunk husband, passed out in his chair. So much for coming home and enjoying what was left of the weekend. As I am clearing out the cobwebs in my head regarding my ex, I am also having to face the reality that my current marriage is a failure. I have fought the last fight with him and see myself making some more really tough choices in the new year. I have no idea how long it will take for me to get my plan together to move on. I am just residing to the fact that I will more than likely be single again, which is ok, but hard when you love someone who doesn't love themselves enough to try to be happy. The only thing that makes him happy is being drunk. I don't even know how to deal with that. Not to mention that me moving on is going to involve giving up my dream of the gallery. I am going to have to get a job where I actually get paid, find a house that will allow me, my 3 dogs, a cat and two birds to live. This is not going to be an easy task. I will have to buy something, and with my credit issues now, it will not happen very soon! And finding a job...who is going to hire a 50 yr old woman who's only work experience for the last 15 yrs is painting and working in galleries. Where will a find a job that wil pay enough to support me. I also have to buy a car, as I sold mine earlier this year to pay for my gallery. Can't think about all this right now, way too overwhelming. All I can say is I made some really stupid choices in the past two yrs, didn't think things through so I could get the hell away from my previous situation and went from one situation right into another. And I got so screwed over in the divorce, that I didn't even think about the future...just thought my new life would be great. Again was blind to the fact that in my new life I would have to deal with a disease so much bigger than I am. If I stay here, my life will consist of a sexless marriage, constant fights over alcohol abuse and watching someone I love and care about slowly killing him self. I don't know if I have that fight in me anymore. At this point in my life, I deserve so much more. I deserve to be loved and treated with respect by someone who loves and respects themself. I figure I have about 30 good years left...they need to be great years. I need to make a difference...what's the point of having a life where it is not impactful? I need to matter to someone. Even if it is only to myself.

1. A fabulous weekend with friends and family.
2. My grand daughter who is so awesome and my son, who is really becoming a man inspite of his mistakes.
3. My pets, who I don't know how I would manage each day without them.
4. My friends, who support me no matter what.
5. I am alive...I feel, experience and care deeply about what is in front of me.
6. Each day I am getting stronger and beginning to see my life is worth living.
7. I no longer feel like I want to die.
8. I have choices, now just making the right ones will be super important.
9. A new year with new opportunities await.
10. I am beginning to recognize myself again...

Let It Be!

I awoke with this song in my head this morning...speaking words of wisdom...Let it Be!

To the skank...really??? Who writes that? Wait long enough and the colors shine through!

Still processing all this crap in my head and letting go of a life that was painful to look back on. I cannot believe it has taken me so long to rummage through all this crap...just goes to show how if we close our eyes to the truth long enough, we become blind to what is standing right in front of us.

Here's to opening my eyes and facing the truth. It was never really worth it. I lived a life full of lies, not by my own doing but by someone elses. Please give me the wisdom to never close my eyes again. Help me to be strong, stand on my own and love what I see!

Reaching....

Really feeling down....Need 10 things I am really happy for right now...

1. I am alive.
2. I have my son and rand daughter in my life.
3. I've lost 60 lbs this year.
4. I have 3 great dogs and 2 birds and a cat.
5. Good friends
6. I am not sick anymore.
7. A beautiful Christmas tree that should put me in a better frame of mind when I get home.
8. I still have hopes that tomorrow will be better.
9. This time next year I will look back at all this and say what the hell was I thinking.
10. I am back in FL.

I used to so LOVE Christmas!!!