How special...the ho is in my house...which it still is...as I own 25% of it and it will never be hers...decorating a Christmas tree taking more slutty pictures. Such class! Such class for both of them. They actually deserve each other, one ho and one ho dog!
Still trying to get past this...process, process, process...
Oh and the comment about the devil on her FB page...got news for you, he is so good at playing the role of the victim...poor me, poor me...he never does anything wrong, everyone is always out to hurt him...ask him how many people he has hurt along the way before passing judgement on me. Wait to you get to hear all the lies and deceptions!
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Giving myself what I need
Sometimes in life, it becomes utterly apparent that the word you need to hear from someone in order to move on will never be said. So in lew of having him apologize to me, which will never happen since you have to feel guilt in order to apologize...I will say it myself...
Glenda, I am very sorry for hurting you and for lying to about my affairs. I apologize for allowing you to feel guilty for all that went wrong in our marriage. I apologize deeply that I allowed someone in my life who was capable of posting pic on FB when they knew you could see it and you had to be blindsided not knowing we were together. I apologize for lying to you when you came right out and asked me. In fact, I am sorry for ALL the lies and deceptions you have had to deal with in the 18 years we were together we have known each other. I apologize for being narcissistic and turning all your concerns back on you when you were trying to save our marriage. I hated that I constantly made everything about me and not enough about you. I sincerely apologize for trying to tell you that you were crazy and need to see someone because you thought I was cheating on you, when I was. I apologize to you for asking if you were having a midlife crisis and if you needed a therapist when you told me it was over. I deeply regret having told you that you could never do any better, as I took complete care of you so you didn't have to worry about anything...I gave you money instead of love, so you would be distracted while I had my affairs. I slowly made you completely dependent on me so that you could never leave and I could have the best of both worlds, have you at home and have my affairs on the side. I am sorry I stayed in your life to lie to you more and try to maintain the control I had over you. I wish you happiness and love.
Thank you...I can know take more steps forward!
Glenda, I am very sorry for hurting you and for lying to about my affairs. I apologize for allowing you to feel guilty for all that went wrong in our marriage. I apologize deeply that I allowed someone in my life who was capable of posting pic on FB when they knew you could see it and you had to be blindsided not knowing we were together. I apologize for lying to you when you came right out and asked me. In fact, I am sorry for ALL the lies and deceptions you have had to deal with in the 18 years we were together we have known each other. I apologize for being narcissistic and turning all your concerns back on you when you were trying to save our marriage. I hated that I constantly made everything about me and not enough about you. I sincerely apologize for trying to tell you that you were crazy and need to see someone because you thought I was cheating on you, when I was. I apologize to you for asking if you were having a midlife crisis and if you needed a therapist when you told me it was over. I deeply regret having told you that you could never do any better, as I took complete care of you so you didn't have to worry about anything...I gave you money instead of love, so you would be distracted while I had my affairs. I slowly made you completely dependent on me so that you could never leave and I could have the best of both worlds, have you at home and have my affairs on the side. I am sorry I stayed in your life to lie to you more and try to maintain the control I had over you. I wish you happiness and love.
Thank you...I can know take more steps forward!
Day 2
So on the road to recovery...yesterday I put together a package of things that were given to me as gifts that represented my old life and marriage, took them to a jeweler and sold them for $900. The ultimate regift...I am now able to pay some of my rent and pay some past due bills. My diamond, of course, wasn't as valuable as I thought and I am trying to find the paperwork for it. So instead of selling it, I kept it. I may just have a new ring made out of that I would be able to wear without having it remind me of a life that I once had. I am trying hard not to wish this man bad things for all the hurt he has caused me, but sometimes it just gets the best of me. He hasn't even so mush as sent an apology to me for not having the guts to tell me he has this woman in our home. I say our home, as I still own 25% of it. I painted the walls, I decorated, I designed the changes to it...I still have belongings there. And this bitch has the nerve to post sleazy pics with my things in the background and posts them all over FB so I can see them...and he allowed her to do that knowing full well I would see them. Then, not even having the decency to give me a heads up...no, I get blindsided...that is just wrong...and now, not even an apology! Boy I really know how to pick the winners in my life. Ok, not going there...I am supposed to be on the road to recovery here...focusing on the good things in my life...not allowing the painful past to continue haunting me.
So with that: my 10 blessing today
1. I am grateful and blessed to have Heather in my life. She is wise about business and helped me yesterday to put up a kick ass window display.
2. I am grateful that I now have $900 I didn't have yesterday.
3. I am blessed to be able to open my FB page and see my grand daughter's smiling face and hope I can have a positive influence on her life.
4. I am grateful I have dental insurance as I go for a cleaning this morning.
5. I am thankful for my pond with my fish in the back that get to hear the soothing sounds of water trickling from the waterfall. Water always relaxes me.
6. I am thankful for all those who showed up to drawing class last night.
7. I am thankful for my robe that is keeping me warm as I write this outside and am staying warm.
8 thankful that my husband wasn't drunk last night and actually came to bed.
9. Thankful for my friend Lara who will be in the gallery this morning while I take care of some things.
10. And that I have sound mind and am being able to see the good things today!
So with that: my 10 blessing today
1. I am grateful and blessed to have Heather in my life. She is wise about business and helped me yesterday to put up a kick ass window display.
2. I am grateful that I now have $900 I didn't have yesterday.
3. I am blessed to be able to open my FB page and see my grand daughter's smiling face and hope I can have a positive influence on her life.
4. I am grateful I have dental insurance as I go for a cleaning this morning.
5. I am thankful for my pond with my fish in the back that get to hear the soothing sounds of water trickling from the waterfall. Water always relaxes me.
6. I am thankful for all those who showed up to drawing class last night.
7. I am thankful for my robe that is keeping me warm as I write this outside and am staying warm.
8 thankful that my husband wasn't drunk last night and actually came to bed.
9. Thankful for my friend Lara who will be in the gallery this morning while I take care of some things.
10. And that I have sound mind and am being able to see the good things today!
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Step 1 of healing
Ten things I am grateful for:
1. Having my husband in my life...even though he has his problems and baggage...at least he is honest and I don't have to wonder where or who he's with at night...
2. A roof over my head
3. Great friends who have hung in there with me through the good times and the bad. Have lost some along the way, proving they weren't really friends to start with.
4. My son...I am so proud of who he is becoming...granted he doesn't always make the right choices...but he is a good person.
5. My grand daughter...I just love her to pieces...
6. That I finally have the courage to move away from people who do not have my best intentions at heart.
7. I have my gallery...it is a struggle right now, but believe in my dream that it will all be ok.
8. My dreams...that through this all, I still have a positive outlook and believe I can make things happen.
9. That even though I have had a lot of heartbreaks, I still have an open heart and have not become bitter to the point of paralysis.
10. That I can still wake up every morning and believe it will all be ok.
My first step to freeing myself will be to get rid of all the things from my previous marriage that meant something to me. My wedding ring, jewelry he gave me...time to shed them...maybe melt them all down and have something else made, or just sell them...the proceeds will go to help my gallery...I had thought of saving my diamonds for my grand daughter, but why would she want them when they were given to be by someone she will never know or who is not related to her. There will be more heirlooms down the road. Two years is long enough to hold on to a past filled with continuous hurt and heartache.
1. Having my husband in my life...even though he has his problems and baggage...at least he is honest and I don't have to wonder where or who he's with at night...
2. A roof over my head
3. Great friends who have hung in there with me through the good times and the bad. Have lost some along the way, proving they weren't really friends to start with.
4. My son...I am so proud of who he is becoming...granted he doesn't always make the right choices...but he is a good person.
5. My grand daughter...I just love her to pieces...
6. That I finally have the courage to move away from people who do not have my best intentions at heart.
7. I have my gallery...it is a struggle right now, but believe in my dream that it will all be ok.
8. My dreams...that through this all, I still have a positive outlook and believe I can make things happen.
9. That even though I have had a lot of heartbreaks, I still have an open heart and have not become bitter to the point of paralysis.
10. That I can still wake up every morning and believe it will all be ok.
My first step to freeing myself will be to get rid of all the things from my previous marriage that meant something to me. My wedding ring, jewelry he gave me...time to shed them...maybe melt them all down and have something else made, or just sell them...the proceeds will go to help my gallery...I had thought of saving my diamonds for my grand daughter, but why would she want them when they were given to be by someone she will never know or who is not related to her. There will be more heirlooms down the road. Two years is long enough to hold on to a past filled with continuous hurt and heartache.
Monday, November 28, 2011
A journey to recovery
http://www.sedonapsychicreading.com/article_faceofabuse.php
Ding...the light bulb has just gone off...18 yrs of trying to figure out what was wrong with me...turns out it wasn't me at all...well not completely...I guess it stems from an abusive childhood, where I found myself getting into relationships with the wrong people because I felt I didn't deserve better...allowed myself to be controlled and held at fault for everything that went wrong. I am two years out of a 16 yr. marriage and I finally am beginning to understand how controlled I was. Made to believe everything was my fault...made to believe I couldn't do anything without his help...or support...now on the road to recovery and in a new marriage, I struggle daily with feelings of being inadequate, not good enough, but the longer I am away, the more I realize how strong I truly am. I am in control of my own destiny...only I can stop myself!
Ding...the light bulb has just gone off...18 yrs of trying to figure out what was wrong with me...turns out it wasn't me at all...well not completely...I guess it stems from an abusive childhood, where I found myself getting into relationships with the wrong people because I felt I didn't deserve better...allowed myself to be controlled and held at fault for everything that went wrong. I am two years out of a 16 yr. marriage and I finally am beginning to understand how controlled I was. Made to believe everything was my fault...made to believe I couldn't do anything without his help...or support...now on the road to recovery and in a new marriage, I struggle daily with feelings of being inadequate, not good enough, but the longer I am away, the more I realize how strong I truly am. I am in control of my own destiny...only I can stop myself!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Holiday Blues
UGH!!! As much as I have tried to fight it, full depression has set in. So much is completely out of my hands and out of my control. Trying to stay focused on things at hand and the things I can control. One day at a time...tomorrow will suck...I am spending Thanksgiving alone. My choice...can't bring myself to pretend all is ok in my life when everything around me is falling apart.
I pray for those around me who are having a rough time. I pray for my older sister who had a heart attack and I just found out...weeks ago...I pray for my younger sister who is bent on killing herself with her alcohol and drug use...I pray for my husband who is in complete denial that he is an alcoholic...I pray for my son, who is about to be a father again...I pray I can make enough money this month to pay my bills and I pray that God will give me the strength to face the next few weeks. They will be challenging.
I am thankful for the people I have in my life..my family, my friends...I am thankful I have a roof over my head, I am thankful for my health...I am thankful for my pets, who bring me joy even in my most difficult times...
Happy Thanksgiving!
I pray for those around me who are having a rough time. I pray for my older sister who had a heart attack and I just found out...weeks ago...I pray for my younger sister who is bent on killing herself with her alcohol and drug use...I pray for my husband who is in complete denial that he is an alcoholic...I pray for my son, who is about to be a father again...I pray I can make enough money this month to pay my bills and I pray that God will give me the strength to face the next few weeks. They will be challenging.
I am thankful for the people I have in my life..my family, my friends...I am thankful I have a roof over my head, I am thankful for my health...I am thankful for my pets, who bring me joy even in my most difficult times...
Happy Thanksgiving!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
