Say goodnight Gracie...

Family

Merry Christmas

Meecie is home...

Thank you, thank you...my bird Meecie is now home with his mom. I cried and he squawked...I missed you my bird...so glad to have you home.

Thank you God for allowing him to have a safe journey home!

My pets...

This is for those of you who seem to think it is wrong for me to be having my pets shipped back to me...think about this...you are married and with someone for 17 yrs, after you think your life is pretty much set, you discover that your marriage and everything you trusted to be true was a lie. There were more women than can be counted in his life besides me. There were years of lies and deceptions. He had a whole life outside of our marriage full of secrets. During the separation he convinced me not to get an attorney...that he would do the right thing...well that totally backfired. My bird was a gift to me and there is no reason I shouldn't have him back. I raised him, hand fed him and loved him. I am sure in the two yrs I have been gone, my bird has not even been out of his cage. Is that a life??? As for my cat, well, I was perfectly willing to let him have her, even though again, I took care of her, helped her give birth to 5 kittens who I found homes for and stayed with her after she was fixed. Made sure she had everything she ever needed..he was out screwing around and gone for days at a time. When I saw the skank post pictures of my cat with a totally disgusting comment, I decided to take my cat back. If he can't be selective as to who he lets in his life, how can I be sure my pets will be taken care of. So to those of you who think my pets are better of with him...think again...with me they will be loved, well taken care of and there will not be different strangers coming in and out of their lives every month as he changes his flavors of the month.

Back to life...back to reality

After a fabulous weekend with friends and family, I returned home to a drunk husband, passed out in his chair. So much for coming home and enjoying what was left of the weekend. As I am clearing out the cobwebs in my head regarding my ex, I am also having to face the reality that my current marriage is a failure. I have fought the last fight with him and see myself making some more really tough choices in the new year. I have no idea how long it will take for me to get my plan together to move on. I am just residing to the fact that I will more than likely be single again, which is ok, but hard when you love someone who doesn't love themselves enough to try to be happy. The only thing that makes him happy is being drunk. I don't even know how to deal with that. Not to mention that me moving on is going to involve giving up my dream of the gallery. I am going to have to get a job where I actually get paid, find a house that will allow me, my 3 dogs, a cat and two birds to live. This is not going to be an easy task. I will have to buy something, and with my credit issues now, it will not happen very soon! And finding a job...who is going to hire a 50 yr old woman who's only work experience for the last 15 yrs is painting and working in galleries. Where will a find a job that wil pay enough to support me. I also have to buy a car, as I sold mine earlier this year to pay for my gallery. Can't think about all this right now, way too overwhelming. All I can say is I made some really stupid choices in the past two yrs, didn't think things through so I could get the hell away from my previous situation and went from one situation right into another. And I got so screwed over in the divorce, that I didn't even think about the future...just thought my new life would be great. Again was blind to the fact that in my new life I would have to deal with a disease so much bigger than I am. If I stay here, my life will consist of a sexless marriage, constant fights over alcohol abuse and watching someone I love and care about slowly killing him self. I don't know if I have that fight in me anymore. At this point in my life, I deserve so much more. I deserve to be loved and treated with respect by someone who loves and respects themself. I figure I have about 30 good years left...they need to be great years. I need to make a difference...what's the point of having a life where it is not impactful? I need to matter to someone. Even if it is only to myself.

1. A fabulous weekend with friends and family.
2. My grand daughter who is so awesome and my son, who is really becoming a man inspite of his mistakes.
3. My pets, who I don't know how I would manage each day without them.
4. My friends, who support me no matter what.
5. I am alive...I feel, experience and care deeply about what is in front of me.
6. Each day I am getting stronger and beginning to see my life is worth living.
7. I no longer feel like I want to die.
8. I have choices, now just making the right ones will be super important.
9. A new year with new opportunities await.
10. I am beginning to recognize myself again...

Let It Be!

I awoke with this song in my head this morning...speaking words of wisdom...Let it Be!

To the skank...really??? Who writes that? Wait long enough and the colors shine through!

Still processing all this crap in my head and letting go of a life that was painful to look back on. I cannot believe it has taken me so long to rummage through all this crap...just goes to show how if we close our eyes to the truth long enough, we become blind to what is standing right in front of us.

Here's to opening my eyes and facing the truth. It was never really worth it. I lived a life full of lies, not by my own doing but by someone elses. Please give me the wisdom to never close my eyes again. Help me to be strong, stand on my own and love what I see!

Reaching....

Really feeling down....Need 10 things I am really happy for right now...

1. I am alive.
2. I have my son and rand daughter in my life.
3. I've lost 60 lbs this year.
4. I have 3 great dogs and 2 birds and a cat.
5. Good friends
6. I am not sick anymore.
7. A beautiful Christmas tree that should put me in a better frame of mind when I get home.
8. I still have hopes that tomorrow will be better.
9. This time next year I will look back at all this and say what the hell was I thinking.
10. I am back in FL.

I used to so LOVE Christmas!!!

The games people play....

No longer have a need to block those on my FB page...not to be taken as an open door, just should be taken as I don't care anymore as to who see what I post! Not allowing those who think they can mess with me to do so any longer.

1. Thankful for my grand daughter on her 2nd birthday.
2. For the doors that close, others open.
3. My future grandson is ok and there aren't any more problems.
4. I have a fabulous husband.
5. On Tues. I will have my bird back and my cat will be following soon.
6. My son, who I am very proud of. Doing the right thing in spite of some adversities.
7. It is Thursday!
8. Not allowing others to get inside my head who do not have my best interests at heart.
9. I AM PAINTING!!!
10. Getting stronger each day!

And painting...

I'm painting....

A new week

Imhad an incredible day yesterday as my husband and I put up Christmas decorations and just hung out together. So nice to sit back and recharge for a full week ahead. Saturday I will be going to Miami to celebrate my grand daughter's second birthday. Cannot believe it has been two years already.

I wrote my email yesterday so I will not have the last thing I say to someone be nasty. My conscious is clear. I did everything I needed to to. I can now move forward in my life with hope and love as the anger has now dissipated and been replaced with good feelings. I look forward to building a future with the love of my life knowing that I will be spending it with someone who isn't manipulating and calculating. He just is. and he just loves me, no games no secrets no lies.mfornthat I am eternally grateful.

1. To have had such an awesome day yesterday. There is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
2. That I am able to to look forward to tomorrow without regret from yesterday.
3. that I still have many people in my life that I love and I wish them all happiness.
4. That I will be getting my LaMusa back, I have missed her.
5. That I will also have Meecie back.
6. That I have the ability to paint my feelings however rare those those times are right now, but soon I will be back in the studio working.
7. That my life is my own, no longer a pawn in anyone's gameplan.
8. That I can finally forgive myself for past mistakes and be able to learn from them and continue to move forward.
9. That I can forgive others, so that I can continue to move forward.
10. That this is going to be a great day, because it is my day and I get to choose how it ends.

I can see clearly now

The course of the last couple days has been an emotional roller coaster. Several emails back and forth and I finally can see what an arrogant pompous individual I was married to for so long actually is. I mustered up the courage to tell him to f#*k off. I have really had it with the head games and emotional abuse he has been playing with me for so many years. Have finally been able to see how everyone in his life are just pawns and he manipulates and moves at will. I refuse to be part of that any longer. He can keep all his paid for friends, because the true friends are beginning to see right through him as well. The man with all the secrets...the man who insists his private life is private...kept from all of those around him who should be in the know...well it is not so private when the skank is posting everything in public for all to see.

Not focusing on that anymore...I'm done! Finally! I will not allow him to be a part of my life any longer. In any capacity. Friendship is completely out ofthe question, as he has no concept of friendship...it is all a game...finally coming to terms with the fact that my 16 yr life with him was all a series of well calculated half truths and manipulations! Thank you God for allowing me to see this. It is a shame it took me so long to figure this out. I always want to believe in the good of people, but sometimes there just isn't any. I have a weak spot to believe that people are not cruel, when in fact they are. They make it a living and constant practice to deceive others and play with their feelings and emotions. I need to write one more email to him as the last thing I want him to hear from or that I need to remember saying is not something awful. That will be for me...not him...

1. Thank you for letting me see the truth...finally!
2. I am now able to move forward with a clear heart and mind that I was so right in leaving him and moving on.
3. I am almost at peace and can focus on my new life with the love of my life without the baggage of past crap that was bogging me down.
4. That the rage in my mind and my heart are being replaced with absolute and complete love for what is around me today.
5. That at my age I am still able to work through some difficult emotional stuff.
6. That I can see that I have great people around me and I get to pick and choose who stays and who goes.
7. I am no longer a prisoner to those who do not mean me well.
8. That all the noise in my head is silencing and I can listen to my heart.
9. That I can now look at the love of my life and feel guilty for thinking I destroyed another life, since it was he who destroyed mine.
10. That my eyes fill with tears of joy for all that is around me.

God...how do I make this hurt go away!!!

Victimization!!!

Wants to know why when someone does something awful to you that hurts terribly, they react as if they have been victimized when you speak up????

How low do you go!

So now the skank is posting pictures of my cat licking herself and she comments how she wishes she were a cat. Jesus Julio, how low can you go! Now I want my cat back as well. I trusted that you would do right but that is something you are obviously incapable of doing. You just keep sinking...I refuse to let your latest flavor of the month bond or have any relations with any of my animals that I love so dearly. If you were actually seeing someone who was descent, this would not be an issue...and if you would have been honest and let know before finding out on FB, I might have overlooked it. But no, not you...the man with all the secrets...you are such a hypocrite...I pray that one day, you will be the man that you try to pretend to be. One who really values the friendships in your life, one who doesn't have to buy your friends with money and food and drinks. What happened to you? I know you want to be that person, but you do not allow yourself to be. Instead you lie and cheat on those who really cared and chose superficial people to surround yourself with. As a result, you will always have to watch your back...they will be standing in line to take advantage of you. You had a true friend here in me and you blew it with all your lies and deceptions. Were you so ashamed of yourself that you couldn't tell me? Anyway, it is all done. Be happy with your skank...

My ten things I am grateful for today...

1. That my cold is getting better.

2. That even though it is cold as all, it is a beautiful day.

3. That I am not as angry as I was last week and am almost to the point where my anger has turned to pity and looking forward to being able to let it go and forgive.

4. Each day putting my painful past further and further behind me.

5. That my husband may not be perfect, but he truly loves me and would never cheat on me.

6. That I am able to pay my bills this week!

7. That it is almost Christmas...my absolute favorite time of the year!

8. That I know I will deal with tomorrow with a better understanding of and about today or yesterday!

9. That in my heart, I know I am a good person, who sometimes makes mistakes but am able to forgive myself and move on.

10. That I have great friends who understand that sometimes I freak out and accept me anyway.

Still trying to get my bird back

You know, each day that goes by, I am getting stronger and stronger. Finally realizing the extent of the control and mind games this idiot had over me. I am trying very hard not to be angry, as anger is a negative energy that I do not need in my life. So because I am doing what I need to do, I guess he is feeling out of control and trying to control me in different ways, because after 18 years, he know which buttons to push. Not going to work this time...I am stronger and wiser. Don't have time for this anymore. Taking my control back and never allowing anyone to ever have that power over me again. Nothing left to use against me for leverage except my bird. So I guess I need to get an attorney after all. Perhaps this time I can get what is mine...when I explain the level of manipulation that was used to discourage me from getting my own attorney back then and the fact that I wanted to get away from him and puerto Rico so badly, that I agreed to anything just to get the hell out of there.

1. That I have a husband now who does love me and doesn't try to control me.

2. That I have a beautiful grand daughter who is the light of my life along with my son.

3. That I have great friends who stand by me and are finally seeing the true character of the person they held in such high regard. Wait long enough and the true character will emerge.

4. That he has someone else in his life he can manipulate now and take the focus off of me. They actually deserve each other...two people who can't keep their pants up.

5. That I am actually beginning to get over my cold.

6. I got a great nights sleep. Boy did I need it.

7. It is Wednesday and it is going to be a great day!

8. Christmas is almost here...I love Christmas! It is my favorite holiday.

9. That my son is waking up to see he has some issues and is working on them.

10. That in spite of some financial issues, my world is good.

A new outlook

Each day is getting easier...something to be said for focusing on the positives in my life instead of dwelling on past mistakes and heartaches. It is done...I was lucky to get away and have the strength to move on. Sometimes we have to take baby steps to move away from something and then take the big challenge of standing up by yourself and running. Now I'm running...away from those who kept me down, away from those who only fed their own ego by stomping all over mine. Misery loves misery and when you are so emerged int it, it takes awhile to see there is a light at the end ofthe tunnel. The light is there and I am so close!

1. It is Sunday...I have a day off and not sure how it is going to be spent yet, but know that whatever I choose to do, it will be MY choice.

2. That the hurt in my heart is being replaced by feeling of love for myself and optimism.

3. That I have my pumpkin spice creamer this morning...yay

4. I get to listen to the sound of the waterfall in my back yard in utter silence while listening to the birds chirping around me.

5. That I went to bed early and got a good nights sleep.

6. For realizing that people come and go in your life for specific reasons and it is all good. Serves to sent then the soul if you are wise enough to be able to understand it.

7. That each day that goes by, I am stronger and a better me.

8. Clarity that I have a purpose and am making forward progress to fulfill that purpose.

9. For realizing that cutting someone loose is sometimes a necessary thing to do.

10. That hootie has not been around for a month to eat my fish! Lol

Wasted Time

No longer have the desire to allow certain people to occupy space in my head or my heart. The ho with all her whatevers she keeps posting on her page to taunt me is no longer working. I am over this. You get what you deserve in life and there is a reason she doesn't get anywhere...and there is a reason he keeps getting crap as well. You can only fly by on charm and fakeness for so long. I am moving on and good riddance to the hurt and emotional crap I had been feeling. Each day is getting better and easier to just let go.

10 things I am grateful for today:

1. That I have an awesome grand daughter who brings me such joy every time I see her or hear her voice.

2. I have an incredible gallery that has afforded me opportunities to continue meeting awesome people.

3. I have three great dogs, 2 birds and 30 fish that bring me lots of joy.

4. My husband who has not gotten drunk in over a week...THANK YOU!!!

5. Old friends who have stayed in my life and those who have come back.

6. It is a beautiful day today.

7. That there is only 5 more hrs till I get to go home and get some sleep...lol

8. That I am finally moving on!

9. That I have tomorrow off...

10. I am at peace today!!!

And finally

Well after a full week of total silence...I finally get a very short message regarding my bird. So he has been reading my messages...you know, all this could have been avoided if a week ago I would have gotten a message saying...I'm sorry! But not a word...why is it when someone has hurt someone, their response is silence...anyone who was a real friend would have assessed this situation right up front and not ignore it or me and my feelings. Back to the point, I never meant enough for even an explanation or an apology. But not focusing on that anymore. My main objective now is to get back my bird and move on. Enough of all this nonsense of dealing with emotionally inept people. More confirmation that this is a person who truly never had my best interests at heart...only his own selfish needs. And the arrogance of thinking he is above explaining or apologizing to anyone is beyond my realm of comprehension.

My 10 for today:

1. Thankful that I am 1 step closer to getting my bird back.

2. Thankful that I am another step closer to healing and closure.

3. Grateful that I have a business that requires my full attention each day to keep my mind busy and occupied.

4. Grateful that I had some help yesterday hanging the show in the gallery.

5. Thankful that one of the last voices I heard last night was that of my granddaughter saying I love you Gigi.

6. Thankful that I have a clear head this morning to organize my day.

7. Thankful that I blocked some people from my FB page and my life to avoide unnecessary stress and pain.

8. Thankful my husband hasn't been drunk in a week.

9. Thankful that my new coming grandchild is still safe, even after a close call yesterday.

10.thankful for some inner peace this morning.

Sound of silence

So the ex thinks that by not communicating with me I will just go away....sorry, you of all people should know better than that...you arrogant idiot! You really think you don't owe me an explanation or even so much as an I'm sorry? Whatever...just glad you are no longer a part of my life.

This is really my fault because I let him back into my life. Do it once shame on you, two, three and more, it is shame on me. I should have known better than to ever let a liar and deceiver back into my life. Nothing will ever change. Once a liar, always a liar. Again I am left to have to look at myself and see where I am defunct to continue or feel the need to have these emotionally abusive people in my life.

I am working so hard at trying not to be angry and as you can obviously see from my posts here, it is not working...one would think that after 18 yrs of knowing someone, I would be worth at least an I am sorry from them. But no, not from him...he thinks is above any responsibility of having to answer to anyone. He does what he wants without any explanation or feelings what so ever, regardless of who he hurts along the way. Funny thing, all this anger from me could have been avoided if he would have had the balls to tell me himself. Too much of a coward...and the one thing I despise more than anything in this world, is being lied to.

And a message to the ho...don't get too comfortable playing housewife in my house...you are only the most recent flavor of the month...and your taunting me with your stupid, classless messages on FB, well enjoy...only shows what a skank you really are. Enjoy your time thee knowing that everything in that house was mine and I chose it, I designed it and I picked it out. Enjoy living in my surrounding and taking in all my things...my spirit will always be there everytime you look and touch something, know that it was mine. And know that everytime you are in my bed, that I was in that same one first...think you are living the high life...think again...and the deck furniture you so enjoy my view from, and pose with your roses on, know that I picked it out. Know that everytime you call my cat lamusa, that she is MY cat...I was the one that saved her, brought her kittens into this world and she was MY muse for many of my paintings that still remain in the house. She will never be your cat. Just know, you may be able to disguise a skank by putting her in different surrounding, but you will always be a skank...displayed by your your classless flaunting of posing yourself with my belongings and posting them all over FB. You may think ou are funny with your little messages, got news for you...karma will come back to you, threefold! So enjoy yourself...

My ten things I am grateful for today:

1. Knowing my ghost and spirit remains in a place where everytime someone looks at something it will serve as a reminder that to her that I was there first.

2. I am grateful that I do not have to continue living a lie with a man who is so dysfunctional and emotionally abusive and only thinks of himself and pleasuring himself, regardless of who he hurts.

3. Glad that I am cleansing myself from all his scars and emotional baggage he imprinted on me for so long.

4. Grateful that I no longer have to wonder where my husband is at night or who he is with. And that I no longer have to hear the lies and be made to feel I was the one who was imagining things, or being told I was crazy after finding love letters from a 25 yr old.

5. Thankful I no longer have to endure the slow manipulation of not being allowed to be myself.

6. Grateful that I can now raise my voice when I am angry without having someone put me down and forcing me to suppress my anger to the point where I shoved food in my mouth to stifle all the hurt I was feeling. T the point where I gained 85 lbs. that was 85 lbs of bullshit I had to swallow.

7. Thankful I am freeing myself of the ties that keep me attached to such an unhappy life.

8. Grateful that I can call you a fucking bastard without being slapped.

9. Thankful I don't have endure the flirting you did with all the women around you any longer and being told all my gut instincts were wrong. Since being away from you, I have learned to trust my gut again, and have been right on every occasion.

10. Thankful that I now see you for who you really are. You can dress up a wolf in sheeps clothing, give him money, but at the end of the day, a wolf is still a wolf.