Back to life...back to reality

After a fabulous weekend with friends and family, I returned home to a drunk husband, passed out in his chair. So much for coming home and enjoying what was left of the weekend. As I am clearing out the cobwebs in my head regarding my ex, I am also having to face the reality that my current marriage is a failure. I have fought the last fight with him and see myself making some more really tough choices in the new year. I have no idea how long it will take for me to get my plan together to move on. I am just residing to the fact that I will more than likely be single again, which is ok, but hard when you love someone who doesn't love themselves enough to try to be happy. The only thing that makes him happy is being drunk. I don't even know how to deal with that. Not to mention that me moving on is going to involve giving up my dream of the gallery. I am going to have to get a job where I actually get paid, find a house that will allow me, my 3 dogs, a cat and two birds to live. This is not going to be an easy task. I will have to buy something, and with my credit issues now, it will not happen very soon! And finding a job...who is going to hire a 50 yr old woman who's only work experience for the last 15 yrs is painting and working in galleries. Where will a find a job that wil pay enough to support me. I also have to buy a car, as I sold mine earlier this year to pay for my gallery. Can't think about all this right now, way too overwhelming. All I can say is I made some really stupid choices in the past two yrs, didn't think things through so I could get the hell away from my previous situation and went from one situation right into another. And I got so screwed over in the divorce, that I didn't even think about the future...just thought my new life would be great. Again was blind to the fact that in my new life I would have to deal with a disease so much bigger than I am. If I stay here, my life will consist of a sexless marriage, constant fights over alcohol abuse and watching someone I love and care about slowly killing him self. I don't know if I have that fight in me anymore. At this point in my life, I deserve so much more. I deserve to be loved and treated with respect by someone who loves and respects themself. I figure I have about 30 good years left...they need to be great years. I need to make a difference...what's the point of having a life where it is not impactful? I need to matter to someone. Even if it is only to myself.

1. A fabulous weekend with friends and family.
2. My grand daughter who is so awesome and my son, who is really becoming a man inspite of his mistakes.
3. My pets, who I don't know how I would manage each day without them.
4. My friends, who support me no matter what.
5. I am alive...I feel, experience and care deeply about what is in front of me.
6. Each day I am getting stronger and beginning to see my life is worth living.
7. I no longer feel like I want to die.
8. I have choices, now just making the right ones will be super important.
9. A new year with new opportunities await.
10. I am beginning to recognize myself again...